Leaving

"I'm still having second thoughts"

"You're just saying that," said the other voice on the telephone. "Sayang naman yung nilakad mo".

"I know...," I replied with a sigh. "Baka kasi di na ko makabalik"

I lied. I know I'll be back, I just didn't know when.

"...Ganun ba"

I can tell by her pauses of silence that she was searching for words to say.

"So di ka talaga makakapunta?" I asked. "Hanap ka ni mama"

"Al, you know I can't"

"You cant or you don't want to come?" I asked with a a stress in my voice. I knew the answer but she only remained in silence.

"Al, don't be angry ok" she finally said after what seemed to be minutes of silence.

"I don't want to go," I told her. "I want to stay here"

"... I know, but I can't do anything about that"

"Can't you just come by?" I pleaded "It'll just be for a few minutes. Magpakita ka lang dito, Ihahatid rin kita agad."

"... Aldrin please," she said "If this is about the promise, I'm really sorry ok?"

"Why? " I asked, raising my voice again. "You said you're sure that its just for some time out"

"... I'll really sory Al," she apologized. "Believe me its not like I planned it out"

"You promised you'll still be there"

"... Al, I really can't talk right now. I'm busy"

"You cant be busy right now. I know you. Wala kang pasok ngayon"

"... We agreed that this is for the better diba?"

"No, We agreed to what YOU wanted. I never wanted this." My voice was going louder. I was getting angery and frustrated.

"... Al you need to go"

"All I did was wait but you never really told me whats wrong!" I was shaking and I almost shouted. The speaker on my phone crackled at my voice.

"Al!", she said sternly. "...I'm with Dave right now".

I wanted to scream at her, but I didnt. I wanted to ask for an explanation but I didnt know the words to say. I didn't want this to happen. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I kept telling myself that whtas happening isn't real.

"Hello?... nandyan ka pa?"

My brain kicked in to accept the sad reality. "Sige... I need to go. Tawag na ko sa baba. Bye", I lied and quickly hung up the phone. That would be the last time I heard from her.

I didn't get up from my bed. I just froze there and assimilated what happened.

"We've always been able to talk about everything," I told myself. We've broken up weeks before but she said that she just needed some time alone. It would seem that she broke up with me so she could have some time alone with someone else. "How could I have been so stupid to have things come to this?!" I laid there in my bed for a few more minutes. I couldnt figure out if time passed too quickly or too slowly around me.

"Aldrin?," someone from behind the door called. "Can I come in?"

"Opo," I answered while getting up. I took a deep breath and exhaled heavily. I took a quick look at the mirror to check if everything is ok.

My door opened and in came a woman in her mid 40's. "Ba't ka nandito? They are looking for you downstairs"

"Maingay sa baba eh," I answered. "Gamit ko yung phone kanina"

"Ah, so have you talked to Penelope?" she asked as she sat beside me on my bed. "What time pa sya pupunta dito? Its already getting late."

"Di na sya makakapunta Ma," I said. "Sorry daw. The timing is just bad I guess." I didnt like lying to my mom, but at that time, I didnt want her to ask anymore questions. I let out a small sigh which I thought my mom wouldn't notice.

"I'm sorry sweetie," said my mom in an effort to comfort me. "Kung pwede lang sana we can ask your lolo to wait for another month. Pauwi na rin naman sila Uncle Guy** mo".

My mom doesn't know that Penelope and I have broken up for quite some time. As far she she's concerened, we've only been having problems but we are still together. I didnt even mind what my mom said. All I thought was I needed to find closure by myself.

It was my despedida party. Two days later, I was boarding the plane for the US. I wont be back in Philippines for another 8 months.

* Penelope is not my ex's real name. Penelope is the loyal wife of Odysseus, who had to refuse marriage proposals from several princes while his husband is away. I chose this name just to illustrate irony.
** Guy is not my mom's BF's real name. His chin just closely resembles the chin of Guy Smiley from Sesame Street.