Honesty Without Words

“Emma?” I called out as I knocked on Emma’s door again, but still, she didn’t answer.

“You know I can see your shadow moving from under the door…”

I heard her bed creak, and the sounds of her slippers being dragged on the floor. The door slowly opened, but just enough for me to see her head. She cant look at me, but I can see that she was wearing her face with a heavy heart. I rested my head on the edge of the threshold

“Hi… do you want to talk?”

Emma just closed her eyes and shook her head

I can only imagine what is going on in her head. Maybe she regrets having given me the letter. She knows that things will change, but I'm still unsure what she really wants. I've always thought that everyone wants to find their very own someone. I've never been in a situation like this before. I want to talk to her but what can I say? I want to say the only thing that mattered but she didn't want to hear it.

"Ok... you don't have to talk, but can you at least listen?"

She bowed her head

"Thank you sa letter," I told her. "And I want to know-"

"Al, just don’t say it..." Emma interrupted.

I want to ask her what she really feels, but whenever I start to open my mouth, I'm afraid I'll just say something that will upset her.

She turned away, but I followed her face to take a look at her eyes.

"Hey...you ok?" I asked even though I know very well that she isn't. She just remained silent, standing at the half opened doorway.
I'm at a loss for words. I've nothing to do but to give her what she asks.

"Emma, if it would make you feel better, I'll try my best. I’ll make sure nothing will change,” I told her and I felt really bad about it. “I'm sorry"

As soon as Emma heard those words, she tried to turn her head again. She stepped back, and held the door to close it. She gave the door a strong push as she walked back to the direction of her bed.

Good thing the door didn't close. Why? Because my face was in the way. A loud "thud" sounded inside my head, and what was left was a small sore area near my left temple. I'm not kidding: MASAKET. Her intention was to slam the door, but she expected I'll pull my head out of the way. Its good that I didn't, else I wouldn't have found out that I'm allergic to wooden doors.

"Araaay..." I groaned as I entered her room. I was able to look at Emma better now that there's no door between us. She was wearing her loose pajama and sando that hugged her figure. Ready na sya matulog.

Emma heard my groan and turned to me to nurse the bump. I looked at her face and noticed her eyes were welling up.

"Sorry Al," she said in a weak tone.

"Macho mo", I said with an effort to make her smile, but it proved futile.

"Sorry... di ko sadya".

"Nah its ok," I comforted her. I wasn't in the mood to overreact. "But seriously... ang macho mo”.

I looked at her expecting a smile, but it didn't came. I knew that I really need to be serious when I saw tears from her left eye.

"Hey… bat ka umiiyak?"

"…Sorry talaga”

I knew than she was no longer referring to the bump on my head, but the content of the letter. She walked away and sat on her bed. She began sobbing as she turned away from me, prabably because she was embarrassed.

I followed her, but I only sat at the corner of her bed. I didn't know how to assess the situation. She just kept saying "I’m sorry Al, I’m sorry", with a bowed head, her bangs covering her face.

"What is she saying sorry for? I don’t find the letter offensive. I should just say that it’s ok, right?" I asked myself. I knew I had to make a move. I inched my way to her side. I wanted to open my mouth but no words came. Instead I just placed my left hand on my right shoulder.

Emma felt my hand on her shoulder and she looked at me. She was frowning and her hands shook. I tried to smile. "You know... nothing in that letter said anything about me offering my shoulder to cry on, right?"

Emma came closer and buried her face on my right chest. She began to cry and I began to feel my shirt getting wet from her tears. In between sobs, she keeps on saying "I'm sorry"

"Hey, there's nothing to be sorry about," I comforted her. "Its...ok"

I could've said right there that I have feelings for her too but I can't. I want to tell her everything but the letter's contents prevented me for doing so. I can't do anything for her and for myself.

Emma continued to cry. She said some things but because of the sobs and her muffled voice on my shirt, I barely understood most of it. The only sentences that I was able to make out were "I'm sorry about the letter", "I feel stupid", "Please wag mong sabihin (something) mama". I wasn't sure if she was referring to my mom or hers.

As Emma cried in my arms, I began to realize the magnitude of how she is affected by her feelings. It was upsetting to see her like this, and I too began to feel depressed. As Emma released her pent-up emotions, I arrived to a conclusion for my own feelings: I won’t say a word to Emma about it. I don't want to see her again like this. "It’s over. Its better this way," I convinced myself.

We stayed like that for a couple of minutes and Emma's sobs began to disappear. I patted her shoulder a couple of times then she pulled away. She neither frowned nor smiled, but she stopped sobbing. I stood to get her some tissue.

I walked towards the big dresser she sat in front of when I saw her applying make up on that day we went to Richard's cousin's party. As I looked for her tissue box, I saw the case containing the same pink and red lip sticks that she asked my opinion about.

"Red," I spoke to myself as I recalled the right answer to her lipstick question.

I raised my head and saw our reflection on the mirror. Emma was looking at me.

"Where do you keep the tissue?" I asked.

"Sa kanan. Top shelf," Emma replied softly. It’s good to hear her say something different. "Bulag," she added as an insult. I looked at her at the mirror and I saw that she flashed me a quick smile.

"Thanks," I said as I picked the box and walked towards her bed to give it her. I wanted to call her "Iyaken", but it seemed inappropriate.

I walked back to her bed to hand her the tissue. She has stopped crying now, although her eyes are still swollen. "Here you go," I said, handing her the tissue box. Emma stood up. "Thanks," she said.

Emma then buried her face on my chest again, but this time, since we've both standing up, she rested her head on my right shoulder. I just let her lean against me, thinking that she needed another cry. She took the tissue box from my hand and placed it on her bed.

We stood like that for a few seconds, and I was beginning to think that everything has calmed down. I sighed, thinking that everything will be ok, and that the night will end soon. It would seem I thought too soon because as Emma muttered "Thank you" for the second time, she slowly raised both her hands from under my arms and gently pressed them against my back. For the first time since being adults, Emma hugged me.

Nothing wrong with a little comforting friendly hug right? I humored Emma and patted her back. Emma rested her forehead on my shoulder so she can talk better.

"Feeling better?" I asked

She nodded in reply, which I initially assumed that she was just wiping her tears on my shirt. "Ang weird no..." she sad.

"Whats weird?"

"Na magkakagusto ko sayo," she answered with a subtle laugh.

"It's not weird"

"Yes it is," she argued, replacing the laugh with an embarrassed tone.

"Di naman ako nagrereklamo ah"

"Sinasabi mo lang yon"

I didn't know how to respond to that. I just fell silent and held her.

"Al, do you think we'll be ok?"

"Yeah"

"But I'm scared," She said in a soft tone. "I wish this could last forever"

I then thought hard. I can’t keep things this way forever. I looked at Emma, and with her so close to me, I told myself that I should be honest with myself. If I didn’t tell Emma what I feel, then not only am I lying to her, but I'm lying to myself as well. She needs to know, even if she doesn't want to. Whatever the consequences we’ll be, we’ll just have to work on it. Together.

What followed was a long silence- just the two of us, in her dimly-lit room, standing and hugging each other. I was beginning to feel awkward, and it only got worse when Emma held me closer. "Uh oh…," I thought. "This doesn't feel like a simple friendly hug anymore".

She held me tighter and raised her head so that her cheek touched my neck. The smell of her shampoo from her damp hair grazed my nose. As Emma held me tighter, I found myself reciprocating her actions. My left arm found her middle lower back, and my right hand wrapped around to her right barren shoulder. I felt Emma sigh repeatedly.

Now, I don't know if you will see me as a pervert, but I can’t be in that situation without... uhmm... eliciting some kind of reaction from me. I've always thought that Emma grew up to be a beautiful woman, and my attraction to her is undeniable right now. I wanted to pull away, but she didn't show any signs of backing out. My eyes wandered around the room, looking for anything interesting to look at, instead of just staring how her right spaghetti shirt and bra strap rested loosely on her pale naked shoulder. "Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts," I chanted to myself, but I knew its not working. I don't believe that there’s another time when I was more tensed than this. I was so aware of what my body felt, and what sensation every square inch of my skin is touching. I felt her hands on my back, and how each finger clutched a portion of my shirt. I felt my heart rate go faster, even though I tried to hold my breath to keep it down. I felt how my knee grazed the cloth of her pajama. What made things worse is Emma's breathing. My chest felt every sigh, inhale and exhale that she made, because every breath that she made, her-uh oh... I definitely need to step back!

"Uhm... Emma," I softly called her name as I pulled away from the hug. (Yeah, I had to pull away T_T I'm sure some of you guys have been through a similar situation. I don't think she felt it, but I can’t be too sure).

"Hmm?"

"What time ka matutulog?". It’s a stupid question to ask after pulling away, I thought to myself.

"Dapat nga kanina pa," she giggled with a sniffle.

"Do you think you can stay up a bit longer?"

"Bakit?"

"Wala lang... basta"

"...ok lang"

I didn’t mind the pause before the "ok lang" response. I'm more worried about my plan backfiring.

"Dun tayo sa kwarto ko". I didn’t stutter but I felt the anxiety in my own voice. I tried keeping a straight face while Emma looked at me with curious eyes. I smiled and quickly went out of the room. I took a deep breath as I took the first step out. Her room wasn't stuffy or anything. (In fact, its bigger than mine because her mom sleeps there as well). I turned around and Emma, who was still in her room, excused herself to go to the washroom for a bit.

As I waited for Emma outside her door, I took a quick look at the room, and I wondered how this room was supposed to be my room. My mom confided to me once that she and my father were planning on having 2 kids, and that this room was supposed to be our room, provided that we are both of the same gender. Since things didn't work out and Emma was growing up along side me, our parents decided that Emma and her mom should get this bigger room.

I leaned at the corridor and thought how my mom would react... but with what just happened inside Emma's room, Richard's knock-her-up-and-be-done-with-it plan briefly snuck in my head. I shook it off and my thoughts returned to my mother. I wish she could return home sooner. She is not the terror type of a mother, and she trusts me as a son as well (although, sometimes she trusts me too much even for my own good). If she was able to sit down with me and talk about the birds and the bees, then I think telling her about my feelings for Emma would be easier than I think. I was giving hints to Mama in our voice chat sessions, like "Ma, kelan ba kayo uuwi? Kami lang ni Emma nandito". She would just say something like "just don't do anything I wouldn't do".

My mother once confessed that she is the bit of the impulsive type, the reason why she got married at an early age. Later in highschool, in health class, I learned about things like child birth and 9 months of pregnancy. I got curious why I was born 2 months before my parents got married. That very same day, I found out what being a "love child" meant. My mom had a lot of growing up to do, and sadly for her, she had to under go through it alone. I think sometimes I remind her of my father, but she didn't love me any less. I guess she found the love of her life in Uncle Guy. I didn't really have any problems with their relationship, but when mama talked about Uncle Guy is not really an "uncle", I only had 1 condition: that they get married first if they plan to give me a younger brother or a sister. They still haven't married, but I can tell that they're doing well (and judging by the occasional strange noises that come from their room, yeah i guess they're DOING pretty well. I had to move my bed to the opposite wall because of that)

Anyway, I digress. I can picture my mom saying that I shouldn't be impulsive, and I should think about things first before I act. In relationships, her advice to me is "Wag mawawala respeto mo sa babae". I'm hoping that mom approves of what will happen between me and Emma.

I was in the middle of those thoughts when Emma appeared behind her door. I smiled and gave her a nod so we can go to my room, but I've only taken a few steps when I noticed that Emma hasn't moved from her spot.

"Tara..."

"Bat ano ba gagawin natin?" she asked.

"Basta, trust me ok?" I told her as I offered my hand.

I held her as she followed me through the corridor. We passed the stairs and a few steps more, we're in front of my room. I opened the door and stepped in. I took another step but Emma didn’t. She just stood at my door and grasped my hand tighter. I felt the tremble of her hand and I looked at her. She looked anxious and worried and scared to enter. I got curious why she looked that way as I gave her hand a gentle squeeze. I kept guessing what her thoughts were at that time, but no matter how much thinking I did, nothing could've prepared me for what she had to say:

"No Al, ayaw ko..."

Call me slow, but it took me a couple of seconds to get what she meant. I felt the blood rush to my head, and my brain informed me of how embarrassing the situation is. My eyes widened in realization as thoughts flooded my mind:

"Holy shi-"
"I didnt even mean to-"
"I wasn't even trying to-"
"I'm not planning to-"
"What made her think that I'm-"
"Is she thinking that-"
"How could I have been so-"
"Oh no, she's gonna think that I'm-"
"Or maybe she's suggesting that we-"

I froze. Really. Those "wag po koya!" jokes that mg friends and forum posters told me didn't sound funny anymore. Inside my head I was yelling and laughing and crying at the same time. I felt my lips tighten,my hands tremble, and my eyes widen, but inside my brain it felt something like "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! !@#$@#$ #$%#$%%$& #@$!@$#@!%#@$^@%!#%%^# &#%^*$%!#$!@#%#$!^ @$&@$%#@$%@!"

Kung pwede lang mag mura sa harap nya, nagawa ko na.

As I slowly gained my ability to speak, my first words were "Nothingwillhappen-". Nothing will happen, I promise- that’s what I was trying to say. But before I can finish the sentence, Emma interrupted me.

"... Di ako ready," she said softly as she turned her face away from me.

My brain flat lined. The words “di ako ready” echoed in my head again and again.

What did she mean by "Di ako ready"?! Did she mean she is not ready now, and she will be ready some time later or did she mean that she will not be ready at all? When will she be ready? Maybe if I ask after a few minutes, she'll change her mi- WTF Aldrin! This is not the time to think about that!

I took a deep breath to recover from the shock. I gently let go of her hand, pulled the computer chair to offer her a seat. "Promise, nothing will happen," I smiled, and avoided sounding like a maniac.

I held out my hand, and Emma took it as she entered my room. I recalled the number of times she's been inside my room, and wondered if she ever feared entering before. She hesitantly sat on the computer chair I think she was surprized when I pushed her and turned her towards the PC and opened the monitor.

"Emma, I think there's something you should read"

I opened my Mozilla Forefox and typed in the url with my left hand:

"Ano to?" she asked as the site was loading.

"Basta," I dodged her question, hoping that she would be able to answer it herself. "Basahin mo na lang".