Slow (and Humiliating) Beginnings

"Ano to?" she asked as the site was loading.

"Basta," I dodged her question, hoping that she would be able to answer it herself. "Basahin mo na lang".

"Ay teka pa-friendster muna," requested Emma.

"Wag na. It can wait".

I clicked a few links and took Emma to the very first post of the blog, and pointed the link that showed reader comments about the blog.

"Read the entries from bottom to top," I instructed her.

I leaned at the computer table and watched as Emma's eyes move as she read the entries word for word. I can't find it in me to read along Emma and I felt a bit embarassed to just standing there, knowing the Emma is reading what I wrote about us. Whats worse is Emma didnt read the blog silently, she would read it softly (,probably praciticing her CC skills again). The song "Killing me Softly" came to mind.

I cant stand waiting for Emma to finish the blog. I know that it doesn't take a genuis for her figure out that it was I wrote the blog and Emma waas the object of Aldrin's attention. I was nervous and tense. "How will she take this?" I thought. "She was just crying a while ago, baka lalo lang sya magalit. Did I make the right decision by showing er the site? Why does she have to talk while he reads?"

I stood up and began pacing around my room because I didn't want to sit there and wait. I need to focus on something else, but I couldn't find anything else. My attention gravitates towards Emma, and I cant escape it. She noticed this and asked if I was ok. I made up an excuse to leave the room, but as I opened the door, Emma stopped me.

"Don't go," she said.

"Di ako comfrotable eh. Just tell me when you're done reading"

Emma stood up and pulled my inflatable couch beside the computer chair. She then walked towards me, held my right hand and pulled me in front of the couch. "Dyan ka lang, ok?" Emma ordered.

I was powerless to complain so I sat down. I was glad that I did becasue Emma didnt let go of my hand when she sat down, and instead embraced it and used my as a pillow. She raised her feet and curled up on the chair as she stated to read the blog. I remember then when Emma's touch used to make me nervous. but unlike those times, Emma's cling calmed me down. Its as if she was tellingme that regardless of what happened, she wouldn't let go.

I can't imagine what Emma was thinking so I read the blog with her. She began to read silently so I can't tell what part she's on. I just followed whats on the monitor. Emma is very expressive of her emotions and that night was not an exemption. In entries where I wrote somthing that annoyed her, he punched my arm, and even pinched it hard enough for my skin to get red. In certain "lambing" moments, she would press her cheek hard against that very same arm. At one time, she took my hand and gavethe join of my index finger a bite.

"Grabe. Ganito pala sya maglambing," I thought. "Nananakit"

Emma has become clingy, but I didn't really mind. The truth is I'm curious how I really felt about it. I see other people do the same, but I've only assumed and imagined what my relationship with Emma is until now. I thought that considering our history, clinging and hugging are things that aren't really normal for us to do, but I realized then and there that I like it. I took a dare and placed my other hand on top of her clinging hand. Emma must've been surprised because she turned her head a bit to look at me. I thought that she'll pull away but instead, she gave me a small smile of acknowledgement and continued reading the blog. As she read, she playfully pinched my fingers between her own. "I could get used to this," I thought.

I would've liked for that situation to last longer but my cellphone interrupted us. "Sayang, ano ba yan".

I answered the call while Emma looked on. It was the office and they needed me to upload a file. I get calls like this everytime, but for me to do the task, I need to reboot the PC and switch to Linux.

"Emma, can you use the laptop?"

"Sure," she replied. Emma stood up and sat on my bed. I took my laptop from my bag and hooked it to my router, then handed it to Emma so she can continue reading.

As I waited for the PC to reboot, I kept turning my head to look at Emma, who has gotten comfortable on my bed. She rested her back on the headboard and covered legs with my blanket. When I asked if I should turn down the airconditioner, she just said that everything's fine.

As soon as I began uploading the files needed by my officemate, I carried the inflatable couch beside my bed and sat there as Emma continued to read the blog. I though about the letter Emma gave me and thought that the blog would be my version of that letter for her. I waited for her to finish with anxiety because I knew when I typed in that URL, there will be no turning back. There will be a lot of things to talk about.

"Sino to? kilala mo?" Emma finally spoke. Pointing to a avatar of a comment poster.

"Not really. Why do you ask?"

"Wala lang... cute sya eh"

"Eh mas cute ka," I thought.

She didn't speak again for quite some time. I thought she did had finished reading but when I looked at the monitor, I saw that she browsed back to the older blog entries.

"Is this true?" Emma suddenly turned and asked. "...does this 'Aldrin' guy think that this 'Emma' person si pretty?"

Ok. That put me in the spot. Way to hit the nail on the head. I looked at her and saw a slight frown on her face. I didn't try to worm my way out of the question and answered truthfully.

"I think she is pretty".

"Is she sexy?" She asked quickly after.

"Yes," I answered with much difficulty. "She IS sexy."

"Is she hot?", Emma asked, but at this point, nakahalata na ko. I saw the smirk even though she bowed her head to hide it.

"hehe Di na ngayon!" I joked.

"Sira ka talaga!" and Emma laughed because I found out that she was on to me. I was able to relax a little now that she was able to laugh about the blog. I initially thought that things would be very difficlut to explain to her.

"Bat ganito to? Sabi mo sumasayaw ako pero hindi naman," she said pertaining to the SOS incident.

"Oh yes you were-"

"-and you were checking me out." she grinned.

Touche. I tried to speak but no words came. All I felt was the blood rushing to my face (and I cant help but remember how she looked back then).

"See? Guilty ka no?" she sad while looking at me with a raised eyebrow as she shook her head. "Tsk ganyan talaga eh. I can look very good without even trying"

"And you can be very vain as well"

"Oh shut up," she exclaimed with a annoyed look on her face then continued reading.

"Will you still continue?" Emma asked she lowered the laptop display. She wanted to know what will happen about the blog now that everything is out.

"We'll see... You'll know naman eh".

She asked me a lot of questions about the blog and I came forward will all the answers. I mentioned before that we never really kept any secrets that are need to be told nor asked questions that are too intrusive, and I think Emma was being cautious to ask questions that may lead her to hearing those 3 words from the letter. Soon, the questions went beyond the blog and our conversation rolled on to other stuff, like expectations, hopes, and fears.

I can feel that both Emma and I were hesitant to talk, but the conversation gradually got rolling. She expressed her annoyances and peeves, especially the part of being kept outside the loop with Erika and Richard, although she told me she isn't that dense not to notice. She expressed some concerns about the tern "katulong" (A Few Words) and it resulted in a long talk which brought us to discuss privacy issues (stress on LONG).

We argued, we laughed, we annoyed each other, and I couldn't really tell if anything different now that we know that feelings are mutual. When we found ourselves laughing more and arguing less, I assumed that the conversation was going to end. Minutes later, Emma yawned and this reminded me that she's not used to staying up late.

"Antok ka na," I said.

"Dito na lang ako," Emma smiled as she hugged my pillow and covered herself from head to toe with my blanket. "I like your bed better, dun ka na lang sa kwarto ko"

"Yoko nga. Kanina lang ayaw mong pumasok dito tapos ako paalisin mo".

"Eh antok na ko eh. I'm too sleepy to stand up," she joked as she rolled and turned in my bed then finally curling into a ball.

"Ang kulet...," I told Emma as I stood up. "Edi dyan ka matulog. Gusto mo lang akong pagsamantalahan eh"

"Kapaaaaal," she laughed and threw one of my pillows at me.

I caught the pillow and sat at the edge of the bed. "Seryoso ka ba?"

Emma playfully covered her face up to her eyes and nodded.

"Ok. Ikaw bahala," I stood up to leave the room "I'll just lock up."

I wasn't really excited at the thought of Emma sleeping on my bed because this wouldn't be the first time for it to happen. There were times back when Emma was still studying that she would use the PC all night for a project, and back then when their A/C broke down. Whenever she pulled an all nighter, I always sleep sideways, facing the wall. I would wake up in the morning with her sleeping parallel to me, but with her head on the opposite side of the bed. I would stand up and tiptoe out of the bed so as not to wake her up.

I went downstairs to do the routinary lock up. Gates, check. Locks, check. Gas, check. Lights, check. I gave the first floor a last look before heading upstairs. This house is relatively smaller than most of the houses in the village, but its too big for someone to live here alone.

When I went up to the second floor corridor, I saw Emma just walking out of my room. I didn't know wat to say so I just followed her to her room. We stopped in front of her door and she turned to face me.

"I changed my mind. I think we should take things slow at least until we figure things out," Emma said. "Some other time, perhaps?"

"Yeah, you're probably right." I would be lying if I said that I wasn't disappointed of her decision. I suppose I was a BIT excited about her sleeping in my room, but part of me thought that its impractical since there was no reason why she had to do that, after all, she has her own bed and her room is just a few steps away from mine. I didnt expect anything to happen anyway. Emma and I are in the same wavelength in thinking that this night has had too much excitement already.

"Thanks," said Emma "For this weird, yet surprisingly pleasant night".

She laughed then opened her arms for a hug.

I paused for a while. "Uh oh... is this a friendly hug again? Wait! Its a trap! What if it happens again? Goshdarnit Al! Don't think! Just act! You cant make her wait forever! Oh what the heck! Go for it you fool! Bahala na!"

I took Emma into my arms to give her a gentle hug. I imagned every blog reader raising score cards and giving me a perfect 10 for the hug.

"You know, since we are into revealing secrets and all, nung highschool pa I used to imagine hugging you," Emma confessed. "I hope its ok..."

"Ok lang," I replied. I found it amusing that I too used "ok lang" as a respose, but I didnt think she noticed.

"Pero talaga namang pacute ka sa mga classmates ko nun eh".

"Anong pacute?" I revolted. I wanted to break from the hug, but Emma seemed to pacify by simply laughing at my reaction.

"Joke lang," she grinned. Emma sighed and leaned against me. (I just concentrated to think about something else)

"Al...", she asked. "What will happen to us?"

"I don't really know," I said. "Pero para mo na ring sinagot yung tanong mo eh."

"What do you mean?"

"Diba sabi mo ' I'll always be yours, and you will always be mine, even if I don't want you'?" I answered. "Para ngang lyrics ng kanta yun eh"

"Wag ka naman magpatawa, seryoso naman yung letter eh"

"Eh seryoso rin naman ako ah. 'I'll always be yours and you'll always be mine'. Period. Wag mo na isama yung 'even if I don't want you'."

Emma need not speak for me to know how she felt about what I said. I already knew her reply when she tightened her hug around me. (Which is making things rather... difficult if you know what I mean)

"Yung sa Letter," I spoke to Emma, trying hard to ignore that she's hugging me tighter. "I'll try not to say those three words, but you already know how lousy I am with keeping promises."

Emma kept her hands on my back but she pulled back just enough to look at me. When our eyes met, I saw tears in her eyes for that reason, I had difficulty remembering what I was saying.

We stood there by her door. A couple of hours ago, we were standing at this very same place, but this time, Emma isn't upset. Even though there were tears in her eyes, she wears a gentle smile that didn't look any less hypnotizing. This is the closest I got to Emma and we're both feeling the warmth of each other's company. This is it, I thought. The moment is perfect. I'll do this. I took a deep breath and drew my head a bit closer to Emma's...

She didn't pull away. "This is good," I thought. Its as if everything in the universe is its its rightful place. I raised my left hand, and touched her right shoulder and moved upward until my palm met her neck and the back of her ear. Emma's head slightly titled, resting softly on my hand.

"Kaya mo to..." I thought. "You've kissed other girls before.... Ok this is it. Dont be shy, but don't overdo it either. Be gentle, and sweet. Don't force it. Go for a perfect 10 kiss!".

I imagined our friends and blog readers standing around us, cheering us on. The crowd begins to chant our names that goes faster and louder as my face draws nearer and nearer to Emma. Its like the last free throw of game 7 of the NBA finals with scores tied.

Emma's eyes closed and instinctively, I closed my eyes as well.

"Our first kiss," I thought. "Let the fireworks begin!"

My hand felt Emma tilt her chin slightly upward and I thought she was turning away from me. I panicked. I opened my eyes and landed the kiss on her forehead.

Owgademet. @#$^&*#%^$%&%^*@!#$!@#$^!!!!!!!

"Why (wtf) did I do that for?!" What felt like a kissing scene prefected into five minutes of John Woo's signature slowmotion cinematography took less than a second to ruin. Instead of a perfect ten, I imagined everyone getting angry while raising score cards with a big red 0. I crumbled into the pressure. "Everyone will have a field day with this," I thought. T_T

"... ano yon?" Emma laughed a little, obviously mocking me. "Did you just kiss me?"

"Uhm... I think so."

"Did I?" I thought to myself. I began to wonder if thats even considered a kiss. "Stupid Aldrin. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid! Thats a @#$@#$ kodak moment right there and YOU had to ruin it!"

"Thats one," she said with a smile.

"Ha? Anong one?"

"One. Odd number. I win again," she replied, her smile turning into a grin.

"Bat di ba tapos na yun?"

"Inumpisahan ko ulit yung bet"

"Pwede ba yun?" I complained. "Di naman natin napagkasunduan ah"

"Eh bat yung blog na yun, sinimulan mo ng di mo binabanggit sakin?"

Touche again.

"eh... iba naman yun eh," I whined. I couldn't believe how spineless I sounded.

"Wag ka na kumontra", Emma began giggling in a sweet way. "Lousy kissers can't complain!" added Emma as she momentarily stuck out the tip of her tongue.

"Daya... di naman dapat counted yung noo eh", I pleaded. "I'll do it again. It'll be much better, promise!" I felt like I'm back in my awkward pre-pubescent years.

"Sorry, thats enough for today," Emma let go of her hug and stepped inside her room. "But you know...forget what I wrote about those 3 words," she said as she gently punched my left arm. "I think its much better if we're open with each other."

Ok. I'm confused. Ano ba talaga? Say it or don't say it? Bakit ba pabagobago isip ng babae? T_T

"Ba't akala ko ba-" I tried to complain.

"-Sige we should sleep na," Emma interrupted. "Baka magbago pa isip ko," she said. "Goodnight 'Aldrin*'," smiled Emma before the completely closing the door.

"Goodnight 'Emma*'".

I walked back to my room contemplating on the day's events. I felt really disappointed with myself. "Sayang!" I said to myself as I entered my room. "Asa ka pa boy." See? I can even mock myself. I didn't know if I sighed or groaned, but it felt like my final breath before realizing that I cant do anything but accept the undeniable fact: I blew it. The forehead moment will definitely be the subject of Emma's jokes tomorrow.

I went to my bathroom to wash up for bed. "Maybe a real kiss with Emma is just too good to be true".

I prepared for sleep and checked my cellphone before lying in bed. It would seem I have a text message. I half expected that it would be Emma, most likely to tease me about what happened minutes ago. I was correct.

I thnk Aldrin can do btr nxt tym, wht do u thnk? :P üüü (trademark ko lol)

I laid on my bed and noticed that the bedsheet and the pillow still has the scent of Emma's soap and shampoo. It distracted me for a bit from replying to her text message. 4 my sake, I certainly hope so. T_T

Dnt wory. I hav very reliable inside info saying tht he will. mwah! gnyt üüü

I texted my goodnight and placed my phone on the small table beside my bed.

I closed my eyes and uttered my last words before gong to sleep : "Punyemas naman bat sa noo pa?," T_T

*Aldrin and Emma are not our real names, this would be the first time we addressed each other as Aldrin and Emma.