Better Mornings

September 22, 2006. 3:24am

I'm sorry for things to have ended this way... I thought things would work out.

Sad ba? I know. The truth is I'm just pulling the blog readers' legs. I'm just kidding. :P

It will be sunrise soon. Heheh pano ba yan? Tinulugan mo ko.

Ayaw kong umailis but I can't stay. I really have to leave.

I need to go to the office earlier than usual kasi we have to perform that server maintenance that we've been putting off for weeks now. I need to get up early. Oo nga pala baka mag revise pa kami ng assembly schematics sa account ni Maam Sigrid. Syet due na yun bukas. No use. Kailangan talaga maaga.

Grabe... ang hirap matulog ng ganito. Sana pala di na lang natin pinanuod yung DVD ng The Maid.

Oo na. Oo na. Walang simbolosmo yung title. Coincidence lang. Magagalit ka eh ikaw naman yung nanghiram ng DVD, hindi ako.

Pinagtalunan pa natin yung ending but the truth is I wasn't able to follow the story anymore. Kapit ka kasi ng kapit eh. Tili ka pa ng tili. Buti na lang dun natulog si Mama kela Uncle Guy. Malamang sa lakas ng sigaw mo, nagising mo pa yun. Haaay, at least you enjoyed the movie last night. Hehe di ka pa rin nagbabago. Matatakutin ka pa rin. Duwag! hehe

Either that, or gusto mo lang talaga ako chansingan. Kung gusto mo yumakap, sabihin mo lang no. Mura lang professional's fee ko.

Kidding :P

Speaking of endings, I've decided to end the blog. We haven't really decided kung pano. Di ko rin naman naintindihan yung sinabi mo eh. Sabi mo ayaw mo na, pero sabi mo rin gusto mo pagpatuloy. Nililito mo lalo ako. So I apologize for ending things abruptly without consulting you. I really feel that I have to do this.

My decision to end the blog is brought about by the things that happened last Sunday.

Sunday started unusually. Buti naman tapos na yung graveyard shifts mo. Isang linggo na naman yun. Last day na yun kaya kahit na Sunday meant no work for me, nagtext ka na nagrerequest na sunduin kita.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. It's just that waking up without you in the house feels... odd. Walang nang-aasar, walang babati ng good morning, wala yung nangungulit na "dalian mo baka ma late ka pa". Walang naka-ready na kape. Ang hirap bumangon pag alam mong wala kang kasama sa bahay.

Alam mo naman si Mama, parang di na rin dito nakatira.

I remember yung itchura mo nung hinanap mo ko sa labas ng building nyo. Sana naman kasi AKO yung hinahanap, hindi yung sasakyan eh. I was watching you for the longest time, at nakatayo lang ako sa loob ng lobby. Hehe derederecho ka sa labas, di mo na ko napansin at nilagpasan mo na ko.

"Hello," bati ko at pagkalabit ko sayo sa likod.

"Hey... San ka galing?"

"Nandun ako sa lobby, Nakalimutan mong wala tayong sasakyan no?" (An uncle, my mother's balikbayan brother, always borrows our car whenever he comes home)

"Ay oo nga pala. I totally forgot. Sorry. Sana nagtext ka na lang na di mo ko masusundo para nag commute na lang ako." Simumangot ka pa. Alam mo namang di kita matitiis.

"MAGPASUNDO KA SA NANAY MO!", I wanted to yell- wag na lang. Baka mabatukan mo pa ko. Baka marining pa ng mga ka officemates mo at buong maghapon mo na naman akong di papansinin. Kamuka mo naman talaga eh.

"Ngayon mo pa sasabihin yan eh nandito na ko" , I said, even though I was annoyed a bit. Alam mo namang mahal na mahal ko kama ko. Kakapalit mo pa naman ang kobrekama, punda at kumot nung makalawa. "Wala namang pasok eh kaya ok lang."

"Sorry," You said again with a grin. At least di ka na nakasimangot.

"Nag breakfast ka na?" I asked.

"Yeah," You smiled shyly. "Wala kaming ginawa kundi kumain".

Its' a wonder really- how you seem to like eating and yet you don't seem to gain weight. Remember that talk we had, when I said that I was observing you while you eat? I still don't get it. We can sit in front of the table for more than an hour, and yet di pa nangangalahati yung pinggan mo. It bends the laws of physics really.

"Want to grab a cup of coffee na lang?" I asked. Syempre di ako magpapatalo. I won't take no for an answer.

There's a nearby Starbucks, but I told you that I know a better place to drink coffee.

"San ba tayo pupunta?"

"Ako bahala sayo," sabi ko . It was a line that I borrowed from Richard. I find it really helpful when you're anxious about something. Remember when we came forward kay Mama? You instinctively held my hand, and you were cold and trembling then. But when I told you na ako ang bahala sayo, you began to feel better. Lol were were in such a mess then, weren't we?

It was a bit of a long walk from where you work but I know you really like the the backstreets of Makati. I really like the way you call it "Exploration". It should be. It is a world away from Makati's main thoroughfares.

We should walk more often. Not only is it healthy, but also it gives us something that driving a car does not: the oppurtunity to take our time and slow down. I watched you look at the tall condominiums with awe and appreciation. I need not look up to appreciate beauty. I happen to know a certain sleeping beauty very well.

Most people see Makati as a city of commerce, for work and for night outs. Few, like us, look at Makati as home. It's the place where we grew up. Fewer still are those who take the time to notice Makati's subtler offerings.

I know the only time you've seen Salcedo Park was when we passed by it when we were avoiding traffic, but I know you'll like the place. We got our coffee at the nearby Starbucks and went to sit at one of the benches.

The air was cool because of the rain last night but the sun was already too bright for me. The shade of the trees complimented the gentle breeze that played with your hair. I have to admit that I was a bit disappointed when you swept your hair back with your fingers and tucked them gently behind your ear. I think you're awsome when you just let your hair down.

We sat there for a while, talking about the old man on another bench who was reading the morning paper, and the couple of joggers who passed by. It's amazing how you can take those scenes and use them as an insult. Yes, I know, I'm halfway to fifty and you don't want me going out of shape. (I promise to go to the gym at least once a week if you promise to go with me! Deal or no deal?)

On our left were a children playing- three children playing jump rope, and a younger kids writing on the brick walkway with a white chalk. Their yayas, donning a generic white and blue uniform, were chatting as they look after the kids.

It's a shame, that even on a Sunday, some parents still can't afford to find the time to play with their children. It's a wasted time. By the time the parents realize it, their kids would have thier own set of friends. Their kids would prefer to spend time with their own friends rather than with their parents.

"Al, Baka masita ka ng security guard... Dapat yata may kasamang yaya yung mga isip bata dito."

"Problema ba yon? Edi sabihin natin ikaw yaya ko"

"Yuck! Ayaw ko nga maging yaya. Nakakasawa ka na ngang alagaan eh. Caregiver na yata kailangan mo."

"Kapal nito... madalas kaya ako pa nagaalaga sayo eh. Ako nga yata yaya mo. Ano ba tawag sa lalakeng yaya?

"I don't know"

"yow yow?"




"..."





"Al, you shouldn't try to be funny when there are people drinking hot coffee within hearing distance. It can be very painful."

"Arte mo naman, if I'm so corny then why are you smiling?"

"Eh ang corny naman talaga eh. Sasakit ulo ko sayo eh"

"The objective or humor is to make people laugh" I lectured. "Sasabihan mo kong corny tapos tatawa ka"

"Eh basta, kasi they way you delivered it. You looked... stupid"

"No, It's not being stupid... It's being 'comical'"

"Ewan ko sayo. Pero dapat maingat yung mga yaya sayo. Atchay killer ka pa naman."

"Yan ka na naman eh"

"Aba- ba't sino ba satin ang may crush sa mga yaya ha?"

"Wala akong 'crush' sa mga yaya no."

"Eh ano?"

"Wala nga"

"Wushuuu... If I know, you brought us here to stalk a yaya."

"Hindi no."

"Yes, It has to be something!" you laughed. "Sige na umamin ka na kasi eh. Why did you bring us here?"

"Kulet, ano ba nilagay mo sa kape mo ngayon ha?"

"Uuuy. Asar na sya," you teased with that silly grin on your face. "Aamin na yan.."

"Ano ba gusto mong aminin ko ha?"

"Asus... Kunwari pa to."

I sighed to show my frustration. "Gusto mong malaman kung bakit tayo nandito?"

"Sige."

"Because even though I would prefer to make the most of the oppurtunity to stay in bed today, this is such a great place and this great morning will all go to waste if I do not share it with someone you love, and I think thats reason enough, but frankly, you're just a bit too annoying to be with right now. If you don't appreciate the gesture then you could at least stop linking me to some random stranger. And try not to make a big deal about my corny jokes because they were intentional. I tell you jokes all the time and you always laugh at them, corny or not and now- what? bat ganyan itchura mo?"

"...what did you say?"

"That corny jokes are often intentional"

"No, before that"

"I said its annoying when you link me to strangers"

"No stupid. Before that"

"That this is a great morning and Salcedo park is a great place and I know you'll like it here"

"No, thats not what you said," you grinned.

"It's not?"

"No, I asked you why you brought us here"

"I know"

"And you said this morning will just go to waste"

"Yeah, if I don't spend it with someone special"

"No"

"What!? Thats what I said!"

"You said all these will go to waste if you don't spend it with someone you love."

"Yeah, Thats what I said."

"No, that different. Someone special is not necessarily someone you love"

"Yes, I suppose thats true..."

"So?"

"So what?"

"Nako Al, don't pretend to be dense. Malapit ka na maligo ng kape."

"What?!"

"So which am I? Someone special or someone you love?"

I was intentioanlly trying to get you annoyed, but I didn't expect that you'll threaten me with hot coffee. I was caught offguard.

"You... are someone.... that I love" I said, rasing the last syllable of the sentence almost to the point that made me sound like I'm not sure what I was saying. I could almost hear Richard saying "Congratulations pare, You just lost your balls."

I half-expected that you would whap me on the head, but I noticed that the mad look on your face slowly disappeared.

"That wasn't so bad now was it?" you said with a smile. "Ang torpe mo."

I apologize Emma. I've wanted to tell you for so long, and I really would've preferred a more romantic way of telling you that I DO love you. Although I must confess that it hapend this way. I'm ACTUALLY glad that you threatened me into confessing with a cup of hot coffee. Looking back, I realize the quiet morning at Salcedo park would have been wasted if I wasn't able to tell you those three words.

"I told you I couldn't keep that promise"

"Its ok Al," you laughed. "I know you can't be trusted with anything."

"So thats it?"

"What?"

"You make me confess, then you leave me hanging like that?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Were you expecting anything?"

"er... yeah. Hello?"

You sat down, and the smile on your face disappeared. You took a sip of coffee and paused before trying to speak again.

"I love you too Al... but with all these things that have been happening between us, I gave it a lot of thought. Sa toto lang parang kuya lang talaga kita eh."

"... oh."

"Yeah...", you patted my knee, as if to say sorry. I paused to think. I did not imagine that after all the time we spent together, that I would be dumped.

"Emma, if thats how really you feel, then I repec-"

"It's a good thing that I'm feeling a incestuous right now," you grinned. "Gotcha!"

You hugged my left arm. I don't know If I'm going to be happy or irritated. But everything felt fine, and moreover, confused.

It's feel strangely unique, when you think about it. When old couples recall kung kelan naging "sila", often it would be a story of romance and hapiness. Ours? well... if we happen to have the chance to tell this story to someone, I dont think they'll believe us if we tell them that on that fateful day, we managed to annoy each other into a confession.

"You should know better Al. Ang tagal mo kasi eh. Kulang na lang yata kao pa mangligaw sayo"

"Eh ikaw naman kasi. Ikaw kaya tong laging kinakabahan. Kulang na lang himatayin ka sa kakadeny nung umamin ako kay Mama. Showbiz mo no"

"Shut up. I love you Aldrin, don't pretend that you don't know it."

"Sige na nga. Pero wala nang bawian yan ha?" , I reminded you. "Nasaktan na ko dati at ayaw ko nang maranasan itong muli"

"Awww...," You proceeded to hug me. "Magdadrama ka pa, di naman bagay."

I know. I was only doing that to make you laugh, and you did. You buried your face on my chest and you tightened your hug.

"Al...." you spoke as you slowly raised your head and looked into my eyes. Those eyes- those expressive eyes that I just couldn't get enough of. "Naligo ka ba?"

"Oo naman no!"

"I know. I was only joking," you grinned. "Now would be a good time to kiss me"

Right there in the middle of Salcedo Park, amidst the passers-by and the trees and the bushes still wet with the morning dew, and the gentle sunlight piercing though the thin canopy, we had our first (technically second) kiss.

How did I feel when we kissed?

In history class, we learned that royal marriages were often fixed- that even if an heir of a kingdom is just a few years old, his bride or her groom has already been chosen for him or her. Marriages like those exists for posterity's sake- to make sure the royal blood does not get thinned out.

Stories were told that those kinds of marriages never work. But that first (technically, second) kiss felt like an epipany of sorts. What if- fixed marraiges were given a chance? what if fixed relationships worked? We already have 20 years' worth of foundation to work on- thats not bad, right?

When we kissed, I felt like... royalty. It felt like even when we were kids, we were predestined to be lovers. Growing up we fought for our right to choose our own partners in life- and then we realize that we've been looking for each other after all.

I didnt mind the children, the yayas, the old man and the security guards. I didn't mind the people walking through the park. I didnt mind the poepl in the tall buildings that could probably see us then. I didn't mind the entire city around us. All I ws focused on was you and I felt like I could be in that position forever.

Forever it is, but unfortunately, "forever" lasted about 2 seconds.

"Nakakahiya baka may makakita," you giggled as you pulled away from the kiss. Your cheeks were flushed and I slowly realized tha my ears were warmer than usual.

I pulled away from the embrace and , but I didn't let go of your hand. I was very pleased to hear you giggle- It reminded me of that time you talked to Pat.

"So...What now?" I asked after a few seconds of awkward blushing and smiling.

"Sinong tao sa bahay"

"Wala"

"We go home then," then you took my hand and pulled me.

"Huy, di dyan ang daan."

"I know, but before we go home, I need you to buy something from 7-11"

That is when everything got ugly. You asked if anyone is home, and you knew that we will be the only people in the house THEN you asked me to buy something from 7-11. Ofcourse, I'll make assumptions. T_T

At least I know that port of me is still alive... somehow. After that, I whispered to you what I thought about what I assumed you were suggesting...

"Ang bastos mo talaga!," you replied, with a push on my shoulder. I think the gardener at One Salcedo Place overheard us. Rest assured, it was very embarassing.

"Baygon ang bibilin natin no! Baygon!", you lectured as we backtracked to the convinience store we passed on the way there. "Uso dengue ngayon and I've been planning to I'll spray the rooms ngayong weekend"

"Sorry... sana sinabi mo kaagad," I said. It was funny how dumb I sounded. I'm a guy! Can you really blame me?

"Dumi ng utak mo," you scoffed.

We continued the rest of the trip in silence. After we secured the can of spray, we took a cab home. I didn't know what to say, and I thought that discussing it was inappropriate when the driver can hear us.

As we entered the house, you placed you gently embraced my right arm and rested your head on my shoulder.

"Don't worry Al. I'll tell you when I'm ready, ok?"

And now, we arrive here, You're asleep and I'm awake. You might find it eerie, but I really like watching you while you sleep. It reminds me that kahit minsan, mabait ka rin pala.

Kidding :)

Even when we were kids, you've always been good to me even though we fought a lot and I used to hide your stuff to make you cry.

There are stuff that wont disappear. They just change in form or function.

Remember when we are a lot younger, we talked about our future relationships, that both of us will find someone that othe other one doesnt know. It semed to be a good idea at that time, and its funny when you look at it now.

I know that by the time you read this, you'll probably be infuriated that I didn't run this by you first. I'm apologizing for starting this without you. Like I said, this is something I really have to do. I need to get this out because If I don't, this blog may not end, and out lives won't begin.

There are a lot of things to worry about, and I know you are scared. I think everyone is scared to trust themselves to someone. We are both in a lot of pressure to make things work. We have to. We are both afraid of the consequences of a failed relationship.

But I think we don't have to feel pressured. We have, after all, gone through the greatest hurdle of relationships- You and I... we're family already. Granted that it is, as you said, incestuous, but it is no less special than when people realize that they finally found THE one.

IMHO, the greatest relationships in the world are not perfect. There will be fights, differences of opinion, and shortcomings.

But the truth is I'd rather be having arguements and fights, and sensless debates and fits of random annoyance with someone I know and someone who knows me so well.

Because I know making up and agreeing will be so much sweeter. Apologizing would be so meaningful. Seeing you smile will be more alleviating. Watching you pout will me much more fascinating. You're t he only person I know whose pinch hurts more than having a hard wooden door slammed in my temple. Kissing you means so much more.

It took us all these years to realize that we didn't have to look far to find the person we are looking for. If there is anything to regret, it is the time that I've made you feel unappreciated, when you're worth is so much more. All I ask now is the oppurtunity to make it up to you.

If things will change, it could only be for the better. It all starts when you read this entry. By the time you finish reading this, I would've already left, and you would be at your office, and you would've texted me at least three times, and called called my phone at least twice.

Yes, I would like to talk about what I've written here, and the stuff that didn't make it to this pages, and the future events that will and will not happen between us. Who knows right? As much as we know each other, we can never be too certain about life and about love.

I, at least, know this:

I'm certainly looking forward to waking up to better mornings with you. :)