Slow (and Humiliating) Beginnings

"Ano to?" she asked as the site was loading.

"Basta," I dodged her question, hoping that she would be able to answer it herself. "Basahin mo na lang".

"Ay teka pa-friendster muna," requested Emma.

"Wag na. It can wait".

I clicked a few links and took Emma to the very first post of the blog, and pointed the link that showed reader comments about the blog.

"Read the entries from bottom to top," I instructed her.

I leaned at the computer table and watched as Emma's eyes move as she read the entries word for word. I can't find it in me to read along Emma and I felt a bit embarassed to just standing there, knowing the Emma is reading what I wrote about us. Whats worse is Emma didnt read the blog silently, she would read it softly (,probably praciticing her CC skills again). The song "Killing me Softly" came to mind.

I cant stand waiting for Emma to finish the blog. I know that it doesn't take a genuis for her figure out that it was I wrote the blog and Emma waas the object of Aldrin's attention. I was nervous and tense. "How will she take this?" I thought. "She was just crying a while ago, baka lalo lang sya magalit. Did I make the right decision by showing er the site? Why does she have to talk while he reads?"

I stood up and began pacing around my room because I didn't want to sit there and wait. I need to focus on something else, but I couldn't find anything else. My attention gravitates towards Emma, and I cant escape it. She noticed this and asked if I was ok. I made up an excuse to leave the room, but as I opened the door, Emma stopped me.

"Don't go," she said.

"Di ako comfrotable eh. Just tell me when you're done reading"

Emma stood up and pulled my inflatable couch beside the computer chair. She then walked towards me, held my right hand and pulled me in front of the couch. "Dyan ka lang, ok?" Emma ordered.

I was powerless to complain so I sat down. I was glad that I did becasue Emma didnt let go of my hand when she sat down, and instead embraced it and used my as a pillow. She raised her feet and curled up on the chair as she stated to read the blog. I remember then when Emma's touch used to make me nervous. but unlike those times, Emma's cling calmed me down. Its as if she was tellingme that regardless of what happened, she wouldn't let go.

I can't imagine what Emma was thinking so I read the blog with her. She began to read silently so I can't tell what part she's on. I just followed whats on the monitor. Emma is very expressive of her emotions and that night was not an exemption. In entries where I wrote somthing that annoyed her, he punched my arm, and even pinched it hard enough for my skin to get red. In certain "lambing" moments, she would press her cheek hard against that very same arm. At one time, she took my hand and gavethe join of my index finger a bite.

"Grabe. Ganito pala sya maglambing," I thought. "Nananakit"

Emma has become clingy, but I didn't really mind. The truth is I'm curious how I really felt about it. I see other people do the same, but I've only assumed and imagined what my relationship with Emma is until now. I thought that considering our history, clinging and hugging are things that aren't really normal for us to do, but I realized then and there that I like it. I took a dare and placed my other hand on top of her clinging hand. Emma must've been surprised because she turned her head a bit to look at me. I thought that she'll pull away but instead, she gave me a small smile of acknowledgement and continued reading the blog. As she read, she playfully pinched my fingers between her own. "I could get used to this," I thought.

I would've liked for that situation to last longer but my cellphone interrupted us. "Sayang, ano ba yan".

I answered the call while Emma looked on. It was the office and they needed me to upload a file. I get calls like this everytime, but for me to do the task, I need to reboot the PC and switch to Linux.

"Emma, can you use the laptop?"

"Sure," she replied. Emma stood up and sat on my bed. I took my laptop from my bag and hooked it to my router, then handed it to Emma so she can continue reading.

As I waited for the PC to reboot, I kept turning my head to look at Emma, who has gotten comfortable on my bed. She rested her back on the headboard and covered legs with my blanket. When I asked if I should turn down the airconditioner, she just said that everything's fine.

As soon as I began uploading the files needed by my officemate, I carried the inflatable couch beside my bed and sat there as Emma continued to read the blog. I though about the letter Emma gave me and thought that the blog would be my version of that letter for her. I waited for her to finish with anxiety because I knew when I typed in that URL, there will be no turning back. There will be a lot of things to talk about.

"Sino to? kilala mo?" Emma finally spoke. Pointing to a avatar of a comment poster.

"Not really. Why do you ask?"

"Wala lang... cute sya eh"

"Eh mas cute ka," I thought.

She didn't speak again for quite some time. I thought she did had finished reading but when I looked at the monitor, I saw that she browsed back to the older blog entries.

"Is this true?" Emma suddenly turned and asked. "...does this 'Aldrin' guy think that this 'Emma' person si pretty?"

Ok. That put me in the spot. Way to hit the nail on the head. I looked at her and saw a slight frown on her face. I didn't try to worm my way out of the question and answered truthfully.

"I think she is pretty".

"Is she sexy?" She asked quickly after.

"Yes," I answered with much difficulty. "She IS sexy."

"Is she hot?", Emma asked, but at this point, nakahalata na ko. I saw the smirk even though she bowed her head to hide it.

"hehe Di na ngayon!" I joked.

"Sira ka talaga!" and Emma laughed because I found out that she was on to me. I was able to relax a little now that she was able to laugh about the blog. I initially thought that things would be very difficlut to explain to her.

"Bat ganito to? Sabi mo sumasayaw ako pero hindi naman," she said pertaining to the SOS incident.

"Oh yes you were-"

"-and you were checking me out." she grinned.

Touche. I tried to speak but no words came. All I felt was the blood rushing to my face (and I cant help but remember how she looked back then).

"See? Guilty ka no?" she sad while looking at me with a raised eyebrow as she shook her head. "Tsk ganyan talaga eh. I can look very good without even trying"

"And you can be very vain as well"

"Oh shut up," she exclaimed with a annoyed look on her face then continued reading.

"Will you still continue?" Emma asked she lowered the laptop display. She wanted to know what will happen about the blog now that everything is out.

"We'll see... You'll know naman eh".

She asked me a lot of questions about the blog and I came forward will all the answers. I mentioned before that we never really kept any secrets that are need to be told nor asked questions that are too intrusive, and I think Emma was being cautious to ask questions that may lead her to hearing those 3 words from the letter. Soon, the questions went beyond the blog and our conversation rolled on to other stuff, like expectations, hopes, and fears.

I can feel that both Emma and I were hesitant to talk, but the conversation gradually got rolling. She expressed her annoyances and peeves, especially the part of being kept outside the loop with Erika and Richard, although she told me she isn't that dense not to notice. She expressed some concerns about the tern "katulong" (A Few Words) and it resulted in a long talk which brought us to discuss privacy issues (stress on LONG).

We argued, we laughed, we annoyed each other, and I couldn't really tell if anything different now that we know that feelings are mutual. When we found ourselves laughing more and arguing less, I assumed that the conversation was going to end. Minutes later, Emma yawned and this reminded me that she's not used to staying up late.

"Antok ka na," I said.

"Dito na lang ako," Emma smiled as she hugged my pillow and covered herself from head to toe with my blanket. "I like your bed better, dun ka na lang sa kwarto ko"

"Yoko nga. Kanina lang ayaw mong pumasok dito tapos ako paalisin mo".

"Eh antok na ko eh. I'm too sleepy to stand up," she joked as she rolled and turned in my bed then finally curling into a ball.

"Ang kulet...," I told Emma as I stood up. "Edi dyan ka matulog. Gusto mo lang akong pagsamantalahan eh"

"Kapaaaaal," she laughed and threw one of my pillows at me.

I caught the pillow and sat at the edge of the bed. "Seryoso ka ba?"

Emma playfully covered her face up to her eyes and nodded.

"Ok. Ikaw bahala," I stood up to leave the room "I'll just lock up."

I wasn't really excited at the thought of Emma sleeping on my bed because this wouldn't be the first time for it to happen. There were times back when Emma was still studying that she would use the PC all night for a project, and back then when their A/C broke down. Whenever she pulled an all nighter, I always sleep sideways, facing the wall. I would wake up in the morning with her sleeping parallel to me, but with her head on the opposite side of the bed. I would stand up and tiptoe out of the bed so as not to wake her up.

I went downstairs to do the routinary lock up. Gates, check. Locks, check. Gas, check. Lights, check. I gave the first floor a last look before heading upstairs. This house is relatively smaller than most of the houses in the village, but its too big for someone to live here alone.

When I went up to the second floor corridor, I saw Emma just walking out of my room. I didn't know wat to say so I just followed her to her room. We stopped in front of her door and she turned to face me.

"I changed my mind. I think we should take things slow at least until we figure things out," Emma said. "Some other time, perhaps?"

"Yeah, you're probably right." I would be lying if I said that I wasn't disappointed of her decision. I suppose I was a BIT excited about her sleeping in my room, but part of me thought that its impractical since there was no reason why she had to do that, after all, she has her own bed and her room is just a few steps away from mine. I didnt expect anything to happen anyway. Emma and I are in the same wavelength in thinking that this night has had too much excitement already.

"Thanks," said Emma "For this weird, yet surprisingly pleasant night".

She laughed then opened her arms for a hug.

I paused for a while. "Uh oh... is this a friendly hug again? Wait! Its a trap! What if it happens again? Goshdarnit Al! Don't think! Just act! You cant make her wait forever! Oh what the heck! Go for it you fool! Bahala na!"

I took Emma into my arms to give her a gentle hug. I imagned every blog reader raising score cards and giving me a perfect 10 for the hug.

"You know, since we are into revealing secrets and all, nung highschool pa I used to imagine hugging you," Emma confessed. "I hope its ok..."

"Ok lang," I replied. I found it amusing that I too used "ok lang" as a respose, but I didnt think she noticed.

"Pero talaga namang pacute ka sa mga classmates ko nun eh".

"Anong pacute?" I revolted. I wanted to break from the hug, but Emma seemed to pacify by simply laughing at my reaction.

"Joke lang," she grinned. Emma sighed and leaned against me. (I just concentrated to think about something else)

"Al...", she asked. "What will happen to us?"

"I don't really know," I said. "Pero para mo na ring sinagot yung tanong mo eh."

"What do you mean?"

"Diba sabi mo ' I'll always be yours, and you will always be mine, even if I don't want you'?" I answered. "Para ngang lyrics ng kanta yun eh"

"Wag ka naman magpatawa, seryoso naman yung letter eh"

"Eh seryoso rin naman ako ah. 'I'll always be yours and you'll always be mine'. Period. Wag mo na isama yung 'even if I don't want you'."

Emma need not speak for me to know how she felt about what I said. I already knew her reply when she tightened her hug around me. (Which is making things rather... difficult if you know what I mean)

"Yung sa Letter," I spoke to Emma, trying hard to ignore that she's hugging me tighter. "I'll try not to say those three words, but you already know how lousy I am with keeping promises."

Emma kept her hands on my back but she pulled back just enough to look at me. When our eyes met, I saw tears in her eyes for that reason, I had difficulty remembering what I was saying.

We stood there by her door. A couple of hours ago, we were standing at this very same place, but this time, Emma isn't upset. Even though there were tears in her eyes, she wears a gentle smile that didn't look any less hypnotizing. This is the closest I got to Emma and we're both feeling the warmth of each other's company. This is it, I thought. The moment is perfect. I'll do this. I took a deep breath and drew my head a bit closer to Emma's...

She didn't pull away. "This is good," I thought. Its as if everything in the universe is its its rightful place. I raised my left hand, and touched her right shoulder and moved upward until my palm met her neck and the back of her ear. Emma's head slightly titled, resting softly on my hand.

"Kaya mo to..." I thought. "You've kissed other girls before.... Ok this is it. Dont be shy, but don't overdo it either. Be gentle, and sweet. Don't force it. Go for a perfect 10 kiss!".

I imagined our friends and blog readers standing around us, cheering us on. The crowd begins to chant our names that goes faster and louder as my face draws nearer and nearer to Emma. Its like the last free throw of game 7 of the NBA finals with scores tied.

Emma's eyes closed and instinctively, I closed my eyes as well.

"Our first kiss," I thought. "Let the fireworks begin!"

My hand felt Emma tilt her chin slightly upward and I thought she was turning away from me. I panicked. I opened my eyes and landed the kiss on her forehead.

Owgademet. @#$^&*#%^$%&%^*@!#$!@#$^!!!!!!!

"Why (wtf) did I do that for?!" What felt like a kissing scene prefected into five minutes of John Woo's signature slowmotion cinematography took less than a second to ruin. Instead of a perfect ten, I imagined everyone getting angry while raising score cards with a big red 0. I crumbled into the pressure. "Everyone will have a field day with this," I thought. T_T

"... ano yon?" Emma laughed a little, obviously mocking me. "Did you just kiss me?"

"Uhm... I think so."

"Did I?" I thought to myself. I began to wonder if thats even considered a kiss. "Stupid Aldrin. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid! Thats a @#$@#$ kodak moment right there and YOU had to ruin it!"

"Thats one," she said with a smile.

"Ha? Anong one?"

"One. Odd number. I win again," she replied, her smile turning into a grin.

"Bat di ba tapos na yun?"

"Inumpisahan ko ulit yung bet"

"Pwede ba yun?" I complained. "Di naman natin napagkasunduan ah"

"Eh bat yung blog na yun, sinimulan mo ng di mo binabanggit sakin?"

Touche again.

"eh... iba naman yun eh," I whined. I couldn't believe how spineless I sounded.

"Wag ka na kumontra", Emma began giggling in a sweet way. "Lousy kissers can't complain!" added Emma as she momentarily stuck out the tip of her tongue.

"Daya... di naman dapat counted yung noo eh", I pleaded. "I'll do it again. It'll be much better, promise!" I felt like I'm back in my awkward pre-pubescent years.

"Sorry, thats enough for today," Emma let go of her hug and stepped inside her room. "But you know...forget what I wrote about those 3 words," she said as she gently punched my left arm. "I think its much better if we're open with each other."

Ok. I'm confused. Ano ba talaga? Say it or don't say it? Bakit ba pabagobago isip ng babae? T_T

"Ba't akala ko ba-" I tried to complain.

"-Sige we should sleep na," Emma interrupted. "Baka magbago pa isip ko," she said. "Goodnight 'Aldrin*'," smiled Emma before the completely closing the door.

"Goodnight 'Emma*'".

I walked back to my room contemplating on the day's events. I felt really disappointed with myself. "Sayang!" I said to myself as I entered my room. "Asa ka pa boy." See? I can even mock myself. I didn't know if I sighed or groaned, but it felt like my final breath before realizing that I cant do anything but accept the undeniable fact: I blew it. The forehead moment will definitely be the subject of Emma's jokes tomorrow.

I went to my bathroom to wash up for bed. "Maybe a real kiss with Emma is just too good to be true".

I prepared for sleep and checked my cellphone before lying in bed. It would seem I have a text message. I half expected that it would be Emma, most likely to tease me about what happened minutes ago. I was correct.

I thnk Aldrin can do btr nxt tym, wht do u thnk? :P üüü (trademark ko lol)

I laid on my bed and noticed that the bedsheet and the pillow still has the scent of Emma's soap and shampoo. It distracted me for a bit from replying to her text message. 4 my sake, I certainly hope so. T_T

Dnt wory. I hav very reliable inside info saying tht he will. mwah! gnyt üüü

I texted my goodnight and placed my phone on the small table beside my bed.

I closed my eyes and uttered my last words before gong to sleep : "Punyemas naman bat sa noo pa?," T_T

*Aldrin and Emma are not our real names, this would be the first time we addressed each other as Aldrin and Emma.

A Few Words

Thanks to everyone who posted their comments.

I need to address a couple of issues before continueing with the updates.

I and Emma had a long talk after she read the blog. A detail of that conversation that I can share right now is Emma did find my use of the term "katulong" somewhat offensive and I have apologized for it.

She does refer to herself as the house help to avoid solicitors, as do I, although mukang mas paniniwalaan pa yatang house help ako keysa ky Emma.

I explained to her that the terms "maid" and "katulong" were used to add to the novely of this blog to get people interested. If you can click on the square tracker icon, and check the second Referrer Tracker link, you'll see that "maid" and "katulong" are the first and third among the top search engine keywords used to refer to this blog. If not for those "words" then people would not have been able to locate, or even be interested in our story. We would not have met the people who have helped and enouraged us through forum posts, comments and IMs.

I believe "maid" and "katulong" are just words, and at one time they were used to describe Emma and her mom. I was hoping people would notice that my perception of Emma has changed. You know, paradigm shift, that sort of thing. I have not referred to Emma or to anyone else with any derogatory intent.

This blog is what it is. What would "Maid in Makati" be without the maid? We can't change things just because some readers and hate mailers said so.

Rather than spam us with hate mail, please read the very first post of this blog instead. If you still find something offensive, I'll be more than willing to discuss it in a civilized manner.

Thank you ^^

Honesty Without Words

“Emma?” I called out as I knocked on Emma’s door again, but still, she didn’t answer.

“You know I can see your shadow moving from under the door…”

I heard her bed creak, and the sounds of her slippers being dragged on the floor. The door slowly opened, but just enough for me to see her head. She cant look at me, but I can see that she was wearing her face with a heavy heart. I rested my head on the edge of the threshold

“Hi… do you want to talk?”

Emma just closed her eyes and shook her head

I can only imagine what is going on in her head. Maybe she regrets having given me the letter. She knows that things will change, but I'm still unsure what she really wants. I've always thought that everyone wants to find their very own someone. I've never been in a situation like this before. I want to talk to her but what can I say? I want to say the only thing that mattered but she didn't want to hear it.

"Ok... you don't have to talk, but can you at least listen?"

She bowed her head

"Thank you sa letter," I told her. "And I want to know-"

"Al, just don’t say it..." Emma interrupted.

I want to ask her what she really feels, but whenever I start to open my mouth, I'm afraid I'll just say something that will upset her.

She turned away, but I followed her face to take a look at her eyes.

"Hey...you ok?" I asked even though I know very well that she isn't. She just remained silent, standing at the half opened doorway.
I'm at a loss for words. I've nothing to do but to give her what she asks.

"Emma, if it would make you feel better, I'll try my best. I’ll make sure nothing will change,” I told her and I felt really bad about it. “I'm sorry"

As soon as Emma heard those words, she tried to turn her head again. She stepped back, and held the door to close it. She gave the door a strong push as she walked back to the direction of her bed.

Good thing the door didn't close. Why? Because my face was in the way. A loud "thud" sounded inside my head, and what was left was a small sore area near my left temple. I'm not kidding: MASAKET. Her intention was to slam the door, but she expected I'll pull my head out of the way. Its good that I didn't, else I wouldn't have found out that I'm allergic to wooden doors.

"Araaay..." I groaned as I entered her room. I was able to look at Emma better now that there's no door between us. She was wearing her loose pajama and sando that hugged her figure. Ready na sya matulog.

Emma heard my groan and turned to me to nurse the bump. I looked at her face and noticed her eyes were welling up.

"Sorry Al," she said in a weak tone.

"Macho mo", I said with an effort to make her smile, but it proved futile.

"Sorry... di ko sadya".

"Nah its ok," I comforted her. I wasn't in the mood to overreact. "But seriously... ang macho mo”.

I looked at her expecting a smile, but it didn't came. I knew that I really need to be serious when I saw tears from her left eye.

"Hey… bat ka umiiyak?"

"…Sorry talaga”

I knew than she was no longer referring to the bump on my head, but the content of the letter. She walked away and sat on her bed. She began sobbing as she turned away from me, prabably because she was embarrassed.

I followed her, but I only sat at the corner of her bed. I didn't know how to assess the situation. She just kept saying "I’m sorry Al, I’m sorry", with a bowed head, her bangs covering her face.

"What is she saying sorry for? I don’t find the letter offensive. I should just say that it’s ok, right?" I asked myself. I knew I had to make a move. I inched my way to her side. I wanted to open my mouth but no words came. Instead I just placed my left hand on my right shoulder.

Emma felt my hand on her shoulder and she looked at me. She was frowning and her hands shook. I tried to smile. "You know... nothing in that letter said anything about me offering my shoulder to cry on, right?"

Emma came closer and buried her face on my right chest. She began to cry and I began to feel my shirt getting wet from her tears. In between sobs, she keeps on saying "I'm sorry"

"Hey, there's nothing to be sorry about," I comforted her. "Its...ok"

I could've said right there that I have feelings for her too but I can't. I want to tell her everything but the letter's contents prevented me for doing so. I can't do anything for her and for myself.

Emma continued to cry. She said some things but because of the sobs and her muffled voice on my shirt, I barely understood most of it. The only sentences that I was able to make out were "I'm sorry about the letter", "I feel stupid", "Please wag mong sabihin (something) mama". I wasn't sure if she was referring to my mom or hers.

As Emma cried in my arms, I began to realize the magnitude of how she is affected by her feelings. It was upsetting to see her like this, and I too began to feel depressed. As Emma released her pent-up emotions, I arrived to a conclusion for my own feelings: I won’t say a word to Emma about it. I don't want to see her again like this. "It’s over. Its better this way," I convinced myself.

We stayed like that for a couple of minutes and Emma's sobs began to disappear. I patted her shoulder a couple of times then she pulled away. She neither frowned nor smiled, but she stopped sobbing. I stood to get her some tissue.

I walked towards the big dresser she sat in front of when I saw her applying make up on that day we went to Richard's cousin's party. As I looked for her tissue box, I saw the case containing the same pink and red lip sticks that she asked my opinion about.

"Red," I spoke to myself as I recalled the right answer to her lipstick question.

I raised my head and saw our reflection on the mirror. Emma was looking at me.

"Where do you keep the tissue?" I asked.

"Sa kanan. Top shelf," Emma replied softly. It’s good to hear her say something different. "Bulag," she added as an insult. I looked at her at the mirror and I saw that she flashed me a quick smile.

"Thanks," I said as I picked the box and walked towards her bed to give it her. I wanted to call her "Iyaken", but it seemed inappropriate.

I walked back to her bed to hand her the tissue. She has stopped crying now, although her eyes are still swollen. "Here you go," I said, handing her the tissue box. Emma stood up. "Thanks," she said.

Emma then buried her face on my chest again, but this time, since we've both standing up, she rested her head on my right shoulder. I just let her lean against me, thinking that she needed another cry. She took the tissue box from my hand and placed it on her bed.

We stood like that for a few seconds, and I was beginning to think that everything has calmed down. I sighed, thinking that everything will be ok, and that the night will end soon. It would seem I thought too soon because as Emma muttered "Thank you" for the second time, she slowly raised both her hands from under my arms and gently pressed them against my back. For the first time since being adults, Emma hugged me.

Nothing wrong with a little comforting friendly hug right? I humored Emma and patted her back. Emma rested her forehead on my shoulder so she can talk better.

"Feeling better?" I asked

She nodded in reply, which I initially assumed that she was just wiping her tears on my shirt. "Ang weird no..." she sad.

"Whats weird?"

"Na magkakagusto ko sayo," she answered with a subtle laugh.

"It's not weird"

"Yes it is," she argued, replacing the laugh with an embarrassed tone.

"Di naman ako nagrereklamo ah"

"Sinasabi mo lang yon"

I didn't know how to respond to that. I just fell silent and held her.

"Al, do you think we'll be ok?"

"Yeah"

"But I'm scared," She said in a soft tone. "I wish this could last forever"

I then thought hard. I can’t keep things this way forever. I looked at Emma, and with her so close to me, I told myself that I should be honest with myself. If I didn’t tell Emma what I feel, then not only am I lying to her, but I'm lying to myself as well. She needs to know, even if she doesn't want to. Whatever the consequences we’ll be, we’ll just have to work on it. Together.

What followed was a long silence- just the two of us, in her dimly-lit room, standing and hugging each other. I was beginning to feel awkward, and it only got worse when Emma held me closer. "Uh oh…," I thought. "This doesn't feel like a simple friendly hug anymore".

She held me tighter and raised her head so that her cheek touched my neck. The smell of her shampoo from her damp hair grazed my nose. As Emma held me tighter, I found myself reciprocating her actions. My left arm found her middle lower back, and my right hand wrapped around to her right barren shoulder. I felt Emma sigh repeatedly.

Now, I don't know if you will see me as a pervert, but I can’t be in that situation without... uhmm... eliciting some kind of reaction from me. I've always thought that Emma grew up to be a beautiful woman, and my attraction to her is undeniable right now. I wanted to pull away, but she didn't show any signs of backing out. My eyes wandered around the room, looking for anything interesting to look at, instead of just staring how her right spaghetti shirt and bra strap rested loosely on her pale naked shoulder. "Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts," I chanted to myself, but I knew its not working. I don't believe that there’s another time when I was more tensed than this. I was so aware of what my body felt, and what sensation every square inch of my skin is touching. I felt her hands on my back, and how each finger clutched a portion of my shirt. I felt my heart rate go faster, even though I tried to hold my breath to keep it down. I felt how my knee grazed the cloth of her pajama. What made things worse is Emma's breathing. My chest felt every sigh, inhale and exhale that she made, because every breath that she made, her-uh oh... I definitely need to step back!

"Uhm... Emma," I softly called her name as I pulled away from the hug. (Yeah, I had to pull away T_T I'm sure some of you guys have been through a similar situation. I don't think she felt it, but I can’t be too sure).

"Hmm?"

"What time ka matutulog?". It’s a stupid question to ask after pulling away, I thought to myself.

"Dapat nga kanina pa," she giggled with a sniffle.

"Do you think you can stay up a bit longer?"

"Bakit?"

"Wala lang... basta"

"...ok lang"

I didn’t mind the pause before the "ok lang" response. I'm more worried about my plan backfiring.

"Dun tayo sa kwarto ko". I didn’t stutter but I felt the anxiety in my own voice. I tried keeping a straight face while Emma looked at me with curious eyes. I smiled and quickly went out of the room. I took a deep breath as I took the first step out. Her room wasn't stuffy or anything. (In fact, its bigger than mine because her mom sleeps there as well). I turned around and Emma, who was still in her room, excused herself to go to the washroom for a bit.

As I waited for Emma outside her door, I took a quick look at the room, and I wondered how this room was supposed to be my room. My mom confided to me once that she and my father were planning on having 2 kids, and that this room was supposed to be our room, provided that we are both of the same gender. Since things didn't work out and Emma was growing up along side me, our parents decided that Emma and her mom should get this bigger room.

I leaned at the corridor and thought how my mom would react... but with what just happened inside Emma's room, Richard's knock-her-up-and-be-done-with-it plan briefly snuck in my head. I shook it off and my thoughts returned to my mother. I wish she could return home sooner. She is not the terror type of a mother, and she trusts me as a son as well (although, sometimes she trusts me too much even for my own good). If she was able to sit down with me and talk about the birds and the bees, then I think telling her about my feelings for Emma would be easier than I think. I was giving hints to Mama in our voice chat sessions, like "Ma, kelan ba kayo uuwi? Kami lang ni Emma nandito". She would just say something like "just don't do anything I wouldn't do".

My mother once confessed that she is the bit of the impulsive type, the reason why she got married at an early age. Later in highschool, in health class, I learned about things like child birth and 9 months of pregnancy. I got curious why I was born 2 months before my parents got married. That very same day, I found out what being a "love child" meant. My mom had a lot of growing up to do, and sadly for her, she had to under go through it alone. I think sometimes I remind her of my father, but she didn't love me any less. I guess she found the love of her life in Uncle Guy. I didn't really have any problems with their relationship, but when mama talked about Uncle Guy is not really an "uncle", I only had 1 condition: that they get married first if they plan to give me a younger brother or a sister. They still haven't married, but I can tell that they're doing well (and judging by the occasional strange noises that come from their room, yeah i guess they're DOING pretty well. I had to move my bed to the opposite wall because of that)

Anyway, I digress. I can picture my mom saying that I shouldn't be impulsive, and I should think about things first before I act. In relationships, her advice to me is "Wag mawawala respeto mo sa babae". I'm hoping that mom approves of what will happen between me and Emma.

I was in the middle of those thoughts when Emma appeared behind her door. I smiled and gave her a nod so we can go to my room, but I've only taken a few steps when I noticed that Emma hasn't moved from her spot.

"Tara..."

"Bat ano ba gagawin natin?" she asked.

"Basta, trust me ok?" I told her as I offered my hand.

I held her as she followed me through the corridor. We passed the stairs and a few steps more, we're in front of my room. I opened the door and stepped in. I took another step but Emma didn’t. She just stood at my door and grasped my hand tighter. I felt the tremble of her hand and I looked at her. She looked anxious and worried and scared to enter. I got curious why she looked that way as I gave her hand a gentle squeeze. I kept guessing what her thoughts were at that time, but no matter how much thinking I did, nothing could've prepared me for what she had to say:

"No Al, ayaw ko..."

Call me slow, but it took me a couple of seconds to get what she meant. I felt the blood rush to my head, and my brain informed me of how embarrassing the situation is. My eyes widened in realization as thoughts flooded my mind:

"Holy shi-"
"I didnt even mean to-"
"I wasn't even trying to-"
"I'm not planning to-"
"What made her think that I'm-"
"Is she thinking that-"
"How could I have been so-"
"Oh no, she's gonna think that I'm-"
"Or maybe she's suggesting that we-"

I froze. Really. Those "wag po koya!" jokes that mg friends and forum posters told me didn't sound funny anymore. Inside my head I was yelling and laughing and crying at the same time. I felt my lips tighten,my hands tremble, and my eyes widen, but inside my brain it felt something like "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! !@#$@#$ #$%#$%%$& #@$!@$#@!%#@$^@%!#%%^# &#%^*$%!#$!@#%#$!^ @$&@$%#@$%@!"

Kung pwede lang mag mura sa harap nya, nagawa ko na.

As I slowly gained my ability to speak, my first words were "Nothingwillhappen-". Nothing will happen, I promise- that’s what I was trying to say. But before I can finish the sentence, Emma interrupted me.

"... Di ako ready," she said softly as she turned her face away from me.

My brain flat lined. The words “di ako ready” echoed in my head again and again.

What did she mean by "Di ako ready"?! Did she mean she is not ready now, and she will be ready some time later or did she mean that she will not be ready at all? When will she be ready? Maybe if I ask after a few minutes, she'll change her mi- WTF Aldrin! This is not the time to think about that!

I took a deep breath to recover from the shock. I gently let go of her hand, pulled the computer chair to offer her a seat. "Promise, nothing will happen," I smiled, and avoided sounding like a maniac.

I held out my hand, and Emma took it as she entered my room. I recalled the number of times she's been inside my room, and wondered if she ever feared entering before. She hesitantly sat on the computer chair I think she was surprized when I pushed her and turned her towards the PC and opened the monitor.

"Emma, I think there's something you should read"

I opened my Mozilla Forefox and typed in the url with my left hand:

"Ano to?" she asked as the site was loading.

"Basta," I dodged her question, hoping that she would be able to answer it herself. "Basahin mo na lang".

A Question

If you are in my position, what would you do?

Bandwidth limits, Thunderstorms and Burnt Electronics

My apologies for the cliff hanger. I was pressed for an update yesterday and I didn't have time to complete the article. My new editor advised me to cut the article at that point.

I'm also experiencing technical issues. Some of you may have noticed the changes in the blog lay out. This is because my template flies hosted at Google Pages has exceeded its maximum bandwidth. That is to be expected since the template files I'm using from Blogger Templates is also used by other bloggers, and other template files are hosted in the same Google Pages account as well. As soon as those files become available, I'll transfer them to a different host or a different Google Pages account.

Also, yesterday's thunderstorm fried my router. The router was an old model of an unfamiliar brand which was 5 years old. After some lightning flashes, my room began smelling like burnt copper lol. We left us with no internet access for 24 hours. I promised Emma I'll have the home network back up before she gets home so after driving her to work, I dropped by PC Express at the corner of Makati Ave. and Buendia and got myself a DLink router. I've decided to go branded so I got myself a Dlink router. I could've gone with the LinkSys one, but I need the printer port so I dont have to leave open my PC when someone else needs to print. (Obviously,) I got it installed but configuring the VPN and the ports takes a little getting used to. I also got the new router its own surge protector.

(Since I can't think of other alibis) Hopefully, an update will be available later tonight. Don't hold your breath though.

The Opposite of a Love Letter

Sunday was ok. We went to mass again, but we went home early because Emma's mom called and we had to go home so we can talk to her via YM. We're glad they weren't affected by the indonesian earthquake down there.

Monday was normal. So normal, its uneventful.

Tuesday was pretty much the same. The entire day was just a repeat of Monday's events, although Emma's shift was longer so I had to pick her up from work. We stopped by for some soft icecream at a nearby mini-stop and had take out for dinner.

Wednesday was good. I had a late lunch with Emma because she went to work early. I asked her to pick the venue and she asked me to look for a certain italian restaurant. We didn't find it. We decided to eat at RCBC plaza instead.

Then came Thursday. Emma made Beef and Brocolli for dnner, although she didn't eat much. It was funny because I thought her cooking tasted ok, but she didn't feel good about it. I asked her if she is feeling ok, she said yes.

After dinner, she told me that she'll clean up and I should go to the living room. "Manuod ka na lang muna ng TV" she asked.

I went to the living room and sat at my usual corner of the couch. Without saying a word, she handed me a folded note, and left me by going straight to her room. She said she wanted to take a bath and sleep early.

This is her letter. Be noted that tbis is heavily edited. I had to translate/edit it to leave out details to protect Emma's privacy. I also removed the statements that readers may not be able to relate to.

You're a good person. You've been nothing less of a gentleman to me. Growing up, I've always looked as you as the "amo" and to some degree an older borther.

But ever since we've been apart, things have changed. I began missing you in a defferent way. I keep noticing how you've been good to me, and how I'm deeply affected by it. I see you not as a brother now, but as a friend. I'm really sorry, but I'm starting to wish that you're more than a friend.

Scandalous, I know, and I can't deny that I like whats between us right now. But if things were to continue, I might fall.

Please don't ever say those 3 words to me. You know what those words are. I don't know if I could take it. I'll only end up throwing myself at you and it scares me that I'll lose you if things don't work out well. If you are going to say those three words, its much better if you would just lie to me.

I'm scared. You know what happened to my mother right? Nanay loved my father even if he didn't love her back. I dont want the same to happen to me.

Nahihiya na ko. I don't want to lose you. I like the way things are right now and nothing more.

Nanay is coming home soon. I know that its an impossibility, but I'd like you to promise me things wont change. You'll always be my Aldrin and in turn, I'll always be your Emma even if you don't want me to. Just don't say those three words, because I wont be able to know if its true or not.

I must've read the letter about five times. I never knew she is hurting. All I thought about is I'm happy to be with her, and with the way she smiles, I've always thought that she was happy. I never thought that she was just trying to be strong and deep inside, she's fighting with her own feelings.

It's been an hour since Emma handed me the letter. I wasn't able to understand what I was watching. I waited for her to come down, but she didnt.

"Nagkulong na sa kwarto," I thought. "There's only one thing left to do."

I went upstairs, went to her room and knocked.